Head Canon
by Maetro
Summary: A companion piece to Gaining Clarity. A look inside Nick McCullers head as he's about to officially meet his daughter's girlfriend and her family.


**For Ren McCullers.**

 **A companion piece to Gaining Clarity, from the point of view of Nick McCullers. Just a bit of insight into his mind.**

"Would you stop fiddling with your tie, and come help me with these containers?" Nick couldn't tell if Maureen sounded irritated, or simply exasperated, as she swept past him in the foyer, and headed towards the kitchen.

"The party starts in an hour, and I promised Pam I'd help her set up." Her voice was muffled as she turned the corner, several steps ahead of Nick, who had abandoned his attempts to straighten the stubborn knot and turned to follow his wife.

"Plus, you know that Paige is eager to introduce us to Emily as her girlfriend. Officially." Her words got clearer as Nick reached the doorway, and his steps faltered. Maureen swung around to face him. "Or perhaps, therein lies the problem?" she suggested, closing the distance between them, and reaching up to straighten his tie.

Nick bit back a sigh, wisely saying nothing, as his wife had the means and opportunity to strangle him with a flick of her wrist. There had been many fights over the course of their twenty two year marriage. From the ridiculous, like the time they had barely spoken for almost two days over who would be better replacement spouses, should one of them happen to pass on before they were both old and gray. To the mundane, like the almost week long cold war over who's responsibility it was to keep track of replenishing things like milk and eggs when they ran out. Their disagreements over how to handle their daughter's sexuality were far from the most contentious arguments they've had over the years, but they certainly seemed to be causing their share of tension.

"I know this is hard for you, Nick," Maureen said, giving the tie a gentle tug, and then patting it down into place. "But, you really need to start making an effort."

He was still struggling with understanding, accepting. Wasn't that enough of an effort? What more did they expect from him? "I just don't understand how you can be okay with this."

"It was a struggle for me at first too, I will admit."

"And I don't get how you could know about this, and not tell me." He turned accusing eyes onto his wife.

"I didn't know. Not for certain. I knew something was up with her. She wasn't the happy little girl we had raised. I know you've noticed the change in Paige."

Nick averted his eyes, unwilling to admit that he had noticed a difference in Paige lately. At first he had written it off as normal, teenage hormones. Weren't they all sullen and withdrawn at that age? Wasn't it some sort of rite of passage to start cutting your parents out of your life, and forging your own path? He'd certainly done it. His parents had thrown their hands up at him many times when he was Paige's age, confounded by his lack of communication, his disinterest in everything they held dear, and his stubborn insistence on not listening to any of their advice.

But, with Paige it had been different. She hadn't acted out, or copped an attitude. In fact, it seemed just the opposite, like she was going out of her way to be the perfect daughter, polite to a fault, quick with a smile, a laugh, a quip, but it had seemed forced. Like she was putting on a show, when really her thoughts, her mind, was elsewhere.

It had eased up a little, these past few weeks. Though, it hadn't disappeared entirely.

"I'm still not convinced it wasn't the work of a pod person." He went for levity, but the joke fell flat. He caught Maureen's frown in the corner of his eye. "Sorry. But, you suspected. How could you not tell me that, at least?"

Maureen nodded. "At first, it was because I was in denial of what I was seeing. And then, I figured, it wasn't really my place to tell you."

"Okay. Fair enough. But, how did you even know?"

"I didn't have a clue. Not at first. Then I came home one night, and found Emily and Paige upstairs-"

"What?" He drew back, enraged. Or, was it horrified? He wasn't entirely sure what it was he was feeling, but his stomach churned at the thought of his daughter and the Fields girl alone upstairs doing God only knows what.

"Honey, calm down. They weren't doing anything. They were just studying."

"Studying Right." He remembered what "studying" was code for. Although, back in his day it had been kissing, maybe a little making out. He could only imagine how far "studying" went these days. And, to think it had been going on under his roof. His little girl. She wasn't ready for that. He wasn't ready for her to be ready for that.

"I mean it Nick, nothing happened."

"You know this for a fact?"

She hedged, and he snorted, vindicated.

"Paige may have confided in me that they kissed that night. But, she swears they haven't done anything else."

"And you believe her?"

"Have you ever known our daughter to be a liar?"

"Well, she turned out to be a homosexual, so who knows?"

"Will you listen to yourself? You sound ridiculous."

He shifted in place, crossing his arms and dropping his gaze.

"Do you want to hear what I have to say, or not?"

He honestly didn't know. A part of him was curious to know how his wife, his conservative, Christian wife, could be so easily accepting of their daughter's sin. The other part of him, the childish, stubborn part, wanted to stick his fingers in his ears and block it all out, until it went away. Reluctantly, he nodded.

"Like I said, I had no idea, until that night. There was nothing overt about how they were acting, but there was just something there. I tried to ignore it. I warned Paige away from it."

Nick's gaze shot up, he hadn't known that. He couldn't believe his wife would do such thing, but then get mad at him when he'd tried to get Paige away from the influences of that girl. When she'd found out that he was considering removing her from the swim team, she'd shut that down pretty quick. Kind of hypocritical, really.

"Yeah." Maureen offered up a wry smile. "The next morning at breakfast, I basically threatened Paige to stay away from Emily. I was more than a little freaked out by what I'd seen. And I wasn't subtle about it."

Perversely, that made Nick feel a little better. And then he felt a wave of guilt when he thought about how horrible that must have made Paige feel. How frightened she must have been of herself, of her secret. And all the fight went out of him. The thought of his daughter in pain was enough to bring him to his knees. And, at the moment, he was the one who was hurting her.

"But, Emily's a good girl. From a good family. If she were a boy, we'd be thrilled that Paige had found someone who shares the same values."

"If she were a boy, we wouldn't be having this conversation, now would we?"

Maureen allowed a smile, and patted his shoulder, before turning away to grab one of the bags sitting on the counter, ready for transport to the Fields' house. She hooked a finger through the handle and thrust it at him. He accepted them with a good natured sigh, and a roll of his eyes, before turning and making his way out to the car. She followed behind him with the rest of the pre-prepared food and helped him load then into the trunk.

It wasn't until he was settled behind the wheel of the car before something else occurred to him.

"So, how many nights did you come home and find the two of them alone, up in Paige's room?"

She turned to him, an eyebrow raised, as if asking if he really wanted to know. He wasn't sure he did, but he held her gaze, and she nodded.

"Just the once, actually. From what Pam tells me, the two of them spend most of their time over there."

"But, isn't she home most evenings?" Nick was confused. He didn't know Pam or Wayne Fields well, but he thought that she worked as a secretary for the police station. He supposed that might entail some overtime, but Rick Caffey, from the office had a daughter who worked there too, and he said she loved it because she got to be home in the evenings with her two young kids.

Why would Paige and Emily go there, knowing Pam would be home, rather than spend their time here, alone in an empty house?

Maureen nodded. "Yeah. She says she's home most nights by five, maybe six."

"Huh." Nick wasn't sure how to process that.

"And that Paige is a wonderful houseguest. She's polite. She offers to clean up. "

"Huh." He was doubly confused now.

"She's a good kid, Nick. They both are. The fact that they're dating each other doesn't change that."

He nodded, taking her words on board, but not quite sure he was ready to hear them quite yet.

The remainder of the ride across town to the Fields' house was made in silence. Nick was stewing over his wife's words, at the revelations he'd received. He knew how it looked, to his wife, to his daughter. He honestly wasn't trying to be a jerk about this.

He meant what he'd said the other night, when Paige had come out to them. The news didn't change the fact that she was, and forever would be, his daughter. His love for her was unconditional. He just wasn't sure how to go about things from now. How did one adjust a lifetime of thinking, of convictions? How did once start to accept something that went against the grain of their beliefs?

They pulled into the Fields' driveway, and Nick shut the engine off with a flick of his wrist. There was one other car in the driveway. By his wife's design, they were the first to arrive. He wasn't sure how he felt about that, being held as a captive audience to his wife, the Fields' and their daughters, with nowhere to go, nobody else to act as a buffer. Biting back a sigh he climbed out of the car, and made his way around to the trunk. Maureen popped it open before he got there, and began loading him up.

He gathered the bags in one hand and balanced the other items they'd bought in the crook of his arm, then offered his other arm to his wife. "Shall we?" He nodded towards the door. She chuckled, but curled her hand around his bicep and they made their way up the drive, and mounted the steps of the porch. She knocked once, and they had to wait only a moment before the door swung open, and Pam greeted them with a smile.

"Maureen. Nick. I'm glad you made it." She and Maureen hugged, a whispered exchange he couldn't quite catch passing between them. Then he leaned in for a quick hug, before pulling back and presenting her with the bouquet of flowers he'd brought. A gift for the hostess.

"Thank you for having us," he said, as she ushered them inside.

"Thank you for coming. It know it means a lot to the girls, to have you both here."

Nick struggled not to wince, keeping his expression genial as she nodded.

"And, it means a lot to me and Wayne as well."

As if summoned by the mention of his name, the man in question appeared in the hallway behind his wife. He sidled up to her, a wide grin on his face.

"Thanks for coming." He echoed his wife's words as he leaned in and gave Maureen a brief hug.

"I don't believe we've officially met," he said, turning to Nick and holding his hand His grip was strong, firm. But informal, as he clasped Nick's hand with both of his, giving a soft pat before letting go. And his grin was infections. "Wayne Fields. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Colonel. Welcome home."

"Glad to be home. But please, call me Wayne."

"Of course. Wayne." He presented him with the bottle of scotch he'd brought. While he may not have grown up with the wealth he had now, his parents had raised him right. He knew better than to show up empty handed.

Wayne looked surprised by the gesture, but thanked him readily.

"That's my husband. A southern gentleman in the body of a Yank." Maureen made the same joke she'd made a dozen times before, but the result was the same as it always was, some light, genuine laughter that broke the ice and dispelled the awkwardness that often came when relative strangers gathered.

"This is good stuff," he said, reading the label. "Perhaps we should take a moment to test it out?" He nodded towards the kitchen, his hand falling to the small of Pam's back as he guided her in preceding them further into the house.

Nick followed suit, hand on Maureen's back as they made their way into the kitchen. Pam moved to the counter, only to be gently guided towards the table and gently coaxed to sit. When she complained about the flowers needing to be put into water, took them from her grasp, telling her he would take care of it, and she should relax a moment before the rest of the guest started to arrive.

Nick pulled out a chair for Maureen as well, before moving to the counter to deposit the bags.

"Now I know where Paige gets it from," he mused, a smile quirking his lips.

"What do you mean?" he asked, curious, remembering that Wayne had had the opportunity to observe his daughter, when she and Emily weren't pretending they weren't a couple.

"Paige's chivalry. At first, I thought it was just an act. Y'know how kids can be. But, after a while I realized she was the real deal."

Nick wasn't entirely sure what Wayne was talking about. His expression must have conveyed that, because Wayne chuckled softly.

"Paige treats Emily like she's the most precious thing to her. Holds open doors, pulls out chairs, brings her flowers. She's a southern gentleman in a sixteen year old girl's body."

Nick couldn't help the proud smile that crossed his face at hearing that. Despite the fact that he'd rather she be on the receiving end of such treatment, it brought him a sense of satisfaction that she was putting her manors to good use. She had raised her daughter to be kind, to be respectful. Though, he had no idea what she acted like when she was out in the world. It was nice to see that some lessons stuck, even when he wasn't watching.

And, he kind of couldn't wait to see it for himself.

He and Wayne worked side by side, him unloading the containers, Wayne unwrapping the flowers and putting them in a vase of water, then pouring them a glass of scotch each, and a glass of wine for the ladies.

"Speaking of, where are the girls?" he asked, unable to keep his gaze from drifting up, towards the ceiling, wondering if Wayne and Pam were lax enough in their parenting to allow the two teenage girls to be up there, alone.

"They ran out to the store for a few last minute items. You know how preparing things like this can be."

Nick nodded, not quite fondly remembering a number of last minute grocery store runs when he and Maureen were preparing for company. Any small thing, from extra napkins to ice to olives could become a bit of a crisis in a situation like that.

"Though, if I'm being honest, I think that Pam just sent them out on a fool's errand to keep them from getting underfoot." Wayne chuckled softly. "They've been offering to help all afternoon. And Paige keeps calling Pam Ma'am, or Mrs. Fields. It's driving her a little bit nuts. I think Paige is doing it on purpose at this point though."

Nick couldn't help but chuckle as well. His daughter was polite as they come, but she was still a teenager, and had the ability to be a bit of a smartass.

"That sounds like Paige," he acknowledged.

He was kind of surprised by Wayne's demeanor Nick's father had been a Marine. And while Wayne had that same military bearing, the proud stance, the watchful gaze, there was an unexpected warmth to him. He had expected to find the man be stern, reproachful. He had somewhat expected to find an ally in discomfort in all this. He was a military man after all. And, Nick knew how the military viewed gays. But, Wayne seemed to view the relationship as if there were nothing awry about it.

They made their way over to the table, but before they could sit, the front door swung open, and then shut with a clatter. A moment later, the two girls in question appeared, striding down the hallway hand in hand, Emily just a step or two ahead of Paige.

"Had to drive to two stores, but we got 'em," Emily announced, holding a grocery bag aloft, grinning proudly, like she'd accomplished some Herculean task. Behind her, Paige chuckled, and shook her head, but the grin she gave the other girl, who wasn't even looking, was pure indulgence.

"Thank you, sweetie," Pam stood to take the bag from Emily, opening it to peer at its contents, before moving to put it into the fridge. She gave both girls shoulder's a squeeze as she stepped past them.

"No problem, Mrs. Fields," Paige said, a faint smirk on her face. They all tried to stifle laughter, to varying degrees of success, when Pam's left eye twitched, just a little.

Nick felt an uncomfortable pull in his chest when he caught Wayne giving his daughter a wink, not sure how he felt about the two of them having a rapport. Especially one that was so far outside of the scope of what he shared with her. He and Paige had always been close. From the time she was born, she'd always been a Daddy's girl, fussing if anyone other than him held her, and following him around like a second shadow as soon as she learned to walk. She'd emulated him in so many ways, and he'd doted on her.

Things had changed gradually as she got older. She'd pulled away from her family in favor of spending time with friends, and he (and Maureen) had started putting in longer days at work, taking more time away together, in an effort to give their daughter the independence she craved. But, they had continued to share a special bond. It had only been recently that he had noticed she had pulled away completely, no longer opening up or confiding in either him, or his wife. He had written it off as the usual growing pains. But now, he saw it for what it really was.

"You don't really drive all around town looking for those, did you?" Wayne asked, his gaze on Paige, even as Emily sidled up to him, tucking herself into his side. His arm went immediately around her shoulders, pulling her in, as he dropped a kiss to the top of her head.

Paige shook her head. "Two stores is hardly all over town. Sir."

Pam chortled, and Wayne chuckled good-naturedly.

"Right. Well, the McCullers brought over some food. It needs to go out onto the buffet table in the living room. If you two want to make yourselves useful."

"Hey, too late. We've been offering to help out all day. But someone kept shooing us out of the kitchen." Emily shot pointed looks at first her mother, then her father. "I think we're done. Right, Paige?"

Everyone turned to Paige, who had a bit of a deer in the headlights look about her. She shrugged non- committedly. "It's only a couple of containers," she hedged. "Wouldn't take long."

Emily huffed and rolled her eyes, but pulled away from her father, and the two of them moved over to the counter and began unpacking the bags.

"Oh, girls. Don't worry about that. I'll get to it in a minute," Pam said, waving them away.

"It's fine, Mrs. Fields."

"You only want to help because you want to sample the food before everyone else gets here," Emily teased, bumping Paige's hip with her own.

Paige scoffed, feigning indignation.

"Oh, please. You're stomach's been growling for like, an hour."

"Well, can you blame me, what with you having me running all over town."

"You say that like you were actually running, and not just sitting in the car, cruising along."

The girls bickering faded away as they trekked the containers into the other room. Nick watched them go, filled with an indescribable feeling. He turned his attention back to the conversation swirling around him, trying to focus, but his thoughts kept drifting to the whispering and giggling going on just around the corner. His mind flashing with images of what they two girls might be doing, just out of sight.

Nobody else seemed to be the least bit concerned, talking and laughing and sipping their drinks, barely even glanced up as the girls made a second trip into the kitchen, and then disappeared again.

Gradually, the group gathered in the kitchen grew in numbers, with first the arrival of Veronica and Peter Hastings. Pam and Wayne greeted them as genially as they'd greeted Nick and Maureen, and then the six of them had stood around, chatting. Ella and Byron Montgomery arrived next, followed shortly after by Ashley Marin, and the Cavanaugh's, as well as some other faces. Some familiar from church, or around town, others not. Soon, the party was in full swing, with people moving around the house, chatting, mingling.

Nick made the rounds, stopping to talk with friends and strangers alike, it seemed like no matter where he went, or who he was talking to, he had a bead on Paige and Emily, wherever they were in the room. Unable to keep from glancing over as they hovered by the stairs with the Hastings girl, and her boyfriend, the Dylan Cavanaugh's son, with no choice but to help but notice the way Paige had her arm slung around Emily's shoulder, loose, casual, but keeping her close. Or the way Emily leaned into her when she laughed, hands on Paige's back and stomach for support as her head tilted back, a full bodied, belly laugh that floated over the other sounds of the party. Paige's lower, throatier laugh following seconds later, her whole face lighting up in a grin. Or to stop his head from turning to follow their progress as Emily led Paige by the hand towards the food table, Paige leaning up to whisper in her ear, almost tripping the both of them several times as they walked, only to kiss her cheek lightly in apology, grinning sheepishly as Emily's face melted into a grin as well.

His chest tightened uncomfortably every time he caught their interactions, though he was unable to pinpoint the exact cause. Watching the two of them together didn't discomfit him, the way he thought it would. Though, he still couldn't say that he was entirely comfortable with the idea. Or the visuals.

He excused himself from the conversation he was having with Peter, and retreated into the kitchen to pour himself another drink, needing a moment of reprieve.

"I get it, you know." Nick looked up from his glass to find Pam leaning against the count beside him, swirling a glass of wine in one hand, staring at something into the other room. A glance over his shoulder revealed a quick flash of Emily and Paige, hand in hand, talking with Ella and Aria. He turned his attention back to Pam.

"When Emily first came out, I was…devastated. The thought of it, it made me just sick to my stomach." Pam laid a hand over her stomach in emphasis. Nick could relate. "We could barely be in the same room without fighting."

Nick nodded, he understood that. Though, he and Paige had not actually fought about it. He had tried. He was ashamed to admit he had tried to bait his sixteen year old daughter into an argument, but Paige was not one to quarrel. She was stoic. She kept her temper. But, she also took in the angry words, and she held onto them, and let them wear her down.

It made him weary now, to think that she might, even now, be mulling everything that Nick had said in the heat of the moment. When she was putting on a pretense of easy-going cheer was when she was most vulnerable.

"Clearly that's changed," he commented. He hadn't observed any tension between mother and daughter all day.

Pam nodded. "It had to change. At the risk of losing my daughter."

Nick nodded as well. He understood that. He did. Maureen had warned him. Even Paige, in her own subtle ways, had warned him. This was her line in the sand. He could either cross over to her side, or remain stubbornly on his. But, she wasn't budging. However, knowing, and doing where two different things. How did he get from here, to there?

"How'd you do it?"

"Honestly? I didn't. Not really. It was all Emily. And Paige. Watching them together, they showed me that what they have, it isn't any different than what Wayne and I share. What I imagine you and Maureen share."

He snuck a glance over at Paige and Emily, still happily engaged in conversation with Ella and Aria. Was it really all that simple?

"She's a great kid. You raised her well. Trust in that." She patted his shoulder and offered an encouraging smile before striding away, leaving him alone with his thoughts once again.

A shuffling of feet stirred him from his thoughts, and he looked up to find Paige hovering in the doorway of the kitchen, two empty drink cups dangling from the fingers of one hand, an uncertain expression on her face.

"Hey," she said softly, shifting in place.

"Hey, kiddo." He forced a smile, knowing it probably came across as more of a grimace. "You enjoying the party?"

"I guess." Paige shrugged as she cautiously approached. "It's not really my thing, y'know?"

Nick nodded. Paige had never really been much of a social butterfly. Despite being on numerous teams and involved in a variety of activities over the years, she wasn't one for large gatherings, preferring to spend her downtime in solitude or with a small handful of people.

"But, Em's really excited to have her dad back." She shot a nervous glance over at him, at the mention of her girlfriend's name. "And so-"

"Here you are," he completed with a knowing smile, and a nod. "The joys of the dating life, sweetie. You get dragged to all sorts of things you don't really want to go to."

"Like you. With this?"

"Touche." He tipped his cup to her, and she accepted the gesture, and the admission with a twist of her lips. "Though, for the record-"

"I get it, Dad You don't have to explain."

"For the record," he repeated, "I'm having a good time. And, I'm glad your mother gave my stubborn ass a kick, and made me come. Another thing you'll have to get used to. Is having to admit that your partner often times has a better grasp on what you need than you do."

"Should I be writing these little pearls of wisdom down?" Paige made a show of patting herself down for a pen and paper.

"Now, listen here you little smartass." He took a swat at her, but she easily dodged away, laughing. The sound warmed Nick's heart, and he found himself chuckling along with her.

"Just, fix your drinks and go find your girl," he said with a roll of his eyes. "I've heard enough out of you today."

Paige pulled a face at him, but complied, quickly pouring out two glasses of soda. "You coming?" she asked, hesitant again, as she glanced at him, and then back towards the living room.

Nick pushed himself off the counter and slung his arm around her shoulder, a soft smile lighting his face as Paige leaned into him, wrapping an arm around his waist. He turned his head, dropping a kiss onto the top of her head as they approached Emily and Wayne.

"Everything okay?" Emily asked, accepting the drink from Paige with a warm smile. He felt a faint twinge in his chest at the look, but he pushed it aside.

Paige shot a surreptitious glance over at Nick, and then nodded. "Everything's fine,"


End file.
